my feelings, my emotions, not to offend. It's just my life.
wednesday 15 march
Didn't see any sign of the eclipse on the full moon last night. There was a haze before it, so I could see he full moon, but not the shadow on a little part of it.
I was tired this morning.
Went downstairs to get the girls to school. Jim was sitting on the couch doing nothing.
I can't believe he didn't take any responsibility to get them to school in time.
After that I had to get Stef to school. He needs a lot of pressure, and after that Lars, who had a spell of his morning mood.
When they finally were gone I was soo very tired, in my muscles too.
Got two loads of laundry on the line and had a new coffee.
Jim just did what he wanted, buying the girls skirts I saw on TV. Great!
Whenever do I get the chance to buy something for them myself?
So when he sat there accepting their thank yous, I told them it was my idea.
Sttttuuupiddddddd!!!!!!!!!!!
But hej, I do all the work here and I'm only good to do the rotten work. The only thing I have for myself is a bagpipe lesson at saturdaymorning. Meaning up very early, and leaving when the rest is still asleep. (Except for Nyo.)
When I come back the house is a mess, and they all look like they just left their beds.
(I guess the bussdriver calls them when he is near the station. LOL!).
Well, today it was putting up with the momentary mood of the day, which was crap.
He put soup on the stove, and forgot to tell it, so the boys threw a bag of bread on the stove.
Nothing happened, but ofcourse I got the blame. I know he has an autistic disorder too, but do I always need to keep myself as tiny as a minimal dwarf? I'm a human being too.
He left to bring Yinti to ballet, after telling Djenne to go with them.
A girl came at the door and Djenne agreed to come and play and left. LOL! I would have done just the same.
All afternoon I felt crap, cleaning here and there. Drinking loads of water to try and flush it all out of the system.
Then he called: flat tire. LOL!
I guess that tire had an ego as large as his. LOL!
Lars went to bring the air-thing to him and came home in a bad mood.
And 10 minutes later his majesty arrived.
I was so glad He and Stef had planned to go to town. But it was his turn to cook.
So he threw some meatballs in a pan... that was it.
Well, at least the kids get something they like.
This day used to be my dad's birthday.
He doesn't care, I know that.
But I loved my dad. He was a good man.
And life would have been so different if he still had been here.
Well, memories won't help.
But I'm tired of fighting each day, not to loose myself.
Sometimes it's like I live a life that's not mine.
I don't belong with that man, I don't belong in this country that has so changed these last years.
It's like life is about controling and being controled, instead of loving and being loved.
Tuesday 14 march
So the superstitious tell me that only friday the 13th is a day with bad happenings.
Forget it!
Mondays the 13ths are just as bad.
OK, Lars and I had tremendous fun trying out the camera. Didn't have such a good laugh in ages.
But that was it!
The heating went out, no warm water either, after I caught the girls rummaging in the bathroom and playing with water.
I guess the put on and out the water far too often.
We have a handle-tap.
We replaced the turning one some years ago when I had such a painful hand I couldn't even turn the tap on.
Well, whatever caused it, the house went cold. Not a nice things to happen with a night of minus 10 degrees celcius forecasted.
Well, I had a nice time remembering the cold mornings and evenings at my gram, but that was all.
No fun with complaining young men around you.
I boiled some water to do the dishes, and this morning boiled some water so they could not freeze themselves. LOL! Sissies!!!
Thami stuck to his routine... washing his hair, moaning he wasn't allowed a couple of buckets of warm water.
I helped Nyo, showing him how he could wash himself with cold water and be clean as an angel.
No complaint at all, so I got him some warm water.
He was surprised with how little water we can do. And now he understands why even in countries where there's little water and no shower, people can keep themselves clean.
Part of the problem was, that the controlpanel of the heating is at the attick and there were boxes in front of that door.
And I rather have some cold, that go upstairs without being able to see anything.
I also considered it a great lesson for the children.
This morning I got to the attick, got rid of the boxes and pressed the reset button.
Oh boy was I afraid to get the whole thing exploding in my face.
5 minutes later the water was warm, and the heating on.
I feel like telling the boys it didn't work and have them face another evening and morning without warmth. LOL!!!!
Sunday march 12
Happy St. Patrick's Day!
"St. Patrick's Day is an enchanted time
a day to begin transforming
winter's dreams into summer's magic."
by Adrienne Cook.
No clover in our garden, yet. Let alone a four leaved one. But I have some bulbs for 4 leaved clover ready to plant, doesn that count too?
I hope so.
Lars is to a skateboarding event in the south of the country
I'm always concerned a bit, as they can fall very bad in those large halfpipes.
They're going with a large group in a bus, so they'll have a lot of fun.
We had our share too: SUN!!! 2 hours, going to 3.
I'm so badly longing for spring that I walked outside when I heard the birds with only a T-shirt on.
Co-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-ld!!!
Tried to get information about all the new rules and regulations concerning getting support for Stef at school. This used to be an automatic procedure. Now everything has to be done by the parents.
I've found myself in tears.
Since June we've been trying to get a diagnosis. It's there now, but there is so much paperwork that needs to be done. Not even psychiatry has done it's job completely, so that needs a new "letter of pressure". Then we have to get paperwork from school.
Lacking will be a report about the support he had untill now. I've given it, and some teachers. But not an official institute.
Depending on who decides the paperwork will be send back or accepted. All I can do is make a report myself, under my girlsname, and sign with my double/married name.
If that is overlooked it's their problem.
I'm so very tired and I'm not good at this stuff.
I can't concentrate, because the kids need all of my attention.
Well, I guess it's the governments way to keep the money in their pockets. Even more interesting is: Stef had to apply himnself... Pffff.. he can't even remember to take the envelope to the mail if everything is finished.
At times like these I get aware that I'm emotionally exhausted.
I can hide it from myself quite well, but when I have to do these things....
Don't forget to take a card or quilt with you.
May your day be filled with blessings
Like the sun that lights the sky,
And may you always have the courage
To spread your wings and fly!
Irish blessing
Saturday march 11
Another night with dreams. It ended with a box with 9 spaces in it. (3 by 3) I could place something white in it. Don't know what.
All day I felt that 9 was an important number, but for what?
Then it was time to shower and go to bagpipe lesson. It was snowing, but the temperature was above zero.
We were right in time.
The girls had a test and both did well.
I was bit nervous. And without breath after taking 4 stairs. On top of it that part of the building was rather dusty.
Overall I did well.
Far better than I expected, but less than at home.
The band itself played highland cathedral.... I love it!!!
Again I had a great time.
Those people are so very kind. And it's so interesting that so different people share one big great hobby: bagpiping.
When we left it was far colder than this morning. We were glad to come home.
Got online into a discussion about war.
Maybe I should keep my mouth shut, but I can't. It makes me feel so sad that people think that being a soldier is an honor. I can never see it as an honor, because the Germans killed so many people and committed so many warcrimes. They saw being a soldier as an honor too.
We, in my country, don't see it as an honor.
Maybe I can't see it as an honor because I've spoken to some former soldiers who have bombed Dresden.
All their lives they have been traumatised by what they have done.
Today Milosovitch was found dead in prison. People regret he didn't get the punishment from the court.
Well, we'll all be judged in the end.
There's a lot of wisdom in what a fugitive, a mother of a friend of the girls said: "Now there's no need to fall into the pit of revenge. Of having a good feeling after we hear that harm is inflicted upon another being. Even if that being is the worst animal there is."
And there I stood, midnight, the moon shining mysteriously through a cold night.
Snow on the trees and in my heart the sadness I heard when my gram told about her sister who was killed in the war.
Why on earth do people want war when elitetroups can infiltrate everywhere and targetted kill those they want to kill?
Why on earth ask mothers to feed their children to the warmachine?
A site about part of what the war did to our town and people: :here:
Friday
Went early to have some bloodwork done.
There were so many people I had to wait quite some time. It didn't matter much. All the people were so very kind and joking.
For quite a while I was the youngest, which was a strange experience. But I liked it.
The day went past far too fast. The boys were at home early, and needed all the attention I had.
Stef was trying to install a new router to the PC. Lars went on it and immediately had a hacker.
We got rid of him at the expense of the connection. Or maybe we were just unlucky because the connection went down anyway due to our provider. He should give us hacker protection, according to his rules and regulations. In case you believe that, we don't. LOL!
