27-12-2005

Had a nice and quiet day.
Thanks to the snow that surprised the children this morning.
To be precise: we had about 5 minutes of a white christmas!! LOL!
It started to snow just in time, 5 minutes before midnight!

Jim went with Nyo to the psychiatrist, for a change.
The dosage is up, like I expected.
He also asked if we had the idea the psychotherapy was working.
No, we don't.
I was doing all these things he now gets as homework, and they didn't work. That's why we turned to psychiatry, in the hope there might be developments in the area I hadn't heard of.

After that they went to the shopping center in town, so it gave me time to clean, do the laundry and such.

I also had the time to quietly think about some matters.
About the way my life is, about the changes that can be made.

Hmmm... life comes down to taking care of the children, living like a nun and always being short of money.
I doubt if things go well when I start classes bagpiping. Jim can't handle things every time. It all depends on how he feels.
His autistic characteristics are becoming more clear. When something unexpected happens, or the children ask him too much, he can't keep his role of a father.

But one way or another I have to do something for myself.
Only internet isn't the way I want to lead my life.

I've felt absolutely useless these last couple of months, even though people kept asking me for advice and assistance, and I could use my professional knowledge well.
I've felt very depressed.
I've had so many dreams, so many plans. And one by one I have to let them go.
The future seems to me more of the same, because some of the children will need support forever, and society is changing into a inhumane system where only working people seem to get a place and are valued.

I feel we are going towards a huge warlike time. People seem to have lost many values and they think killing others is accepted just because someone else says.
Man, people are proud of it!! How much further can the human race deteriorate??

My gram taught me to think about my own thoughts and beliefs and to keep to a couple of important rules of life: don't kill, don't judge, don't hate someone you don't know, don't generalise.
People didn't like her during the war, because she seemed to be aloof and rather silent.
After the war people were amazed that the whole family was in the resistance.
She wasn't proud of it, because it was something they had to do.
They saved many lifes. Pilots, people who were on the deathlist. They stole foodcarts to feed those who were kept hidden and did many more things to keep people away from the irritional needs for killing of the soldiers.

She, my granddad and my uncles never got a medal. Their group never sought publicity.
The card of one of the pilots who survived the war was her medal, and seeing some people walk on the streets, free and happy, with their children and later grandchildren.

We didn't do anything wrong to the germans, but in one way or another our country was considered a threat and of strategic value, and ofcourse we had many oung people that had to work to keep the war going.

So many parralells with what is going on today.

I think I'll never understand why people are proud of what their sons and husbands are doing in war.

My dad served in the Royal Air Force of England, and helped free our country. The chaplain of his group often came to my parent's home and later to my home, and when I got older he found in me someone to confide in.
It made me understand what goes on in people when they try to do their war-job. It scars them for life.
I still feel their pain, although both of them have died.

At times I don't feel at home in the groups I'm a member of.
People want me to respect them, but more than once I have been overloaden with pro-war material after saying just a little bit about how I feel.
I pity the young people who are send to war with the promise they will become a hero.
One doesn't become a hero by going into situations that create a spiral of violence.
You can't tell me you shot because you had to defend yourself, when you know that your presence creates violence.

You're a true here when you dare to stand up for human values.

I know deep in their hearts many mothers are not the proud women they want themselves to be, because their fear their children will never come home again, and even when they come home they know that they might be traumatised and changed forever.
When we receive life, we promise to take care of that life with all we have in us.
I had to promise that when my children were baptised.
And I take that oath very serious.
Why don't those socalled religious women do so?


So when thinking about my life, I suddenly becamse aware how much I am doing just on internet.
Supporting people, making politicians aware of things they are forgetting, especially in the area of edication and health, informing people about autism and such, etc etc.
So I'm not wasting my life here in the house.
I'm simply living a voiceless life, but not a wordless one.

dec 27

Siggy by Tracy of

Dollbase:
Pixelee
Reindeers:
Maely's