3-1-2007

I thought I finally had some time to sit down..
Except that with Nyo sitting behind me at the table, playing some computergame.. clicking about a thousand times a minute... yep...it's is not really relaxing.
Lars went out, Thami disappeared, Jim went to get groceries with the girls.
After half an hour the phone rang: Lars was forgotten his appointment with the psychologist.

I took a deep breath before telling Jim that I'm not responsible for Lars forgetting his appointments, and that I didn't feel it was appropriate to ring me, as we had an agreement that there was no need for me being the family's speaking agenda.

Well, apparently there is a need.
Lars only has 8 sessions for a year, which is not enough at all...
So I felt really disturbed, which set of the whole motion of feeling uneasy about not having send christmascards to friends, asking myself how much trouble it would cost to send Lars to school again, or if maybe we should consider another school, asking myself when the police would inform us about a court date for those guys who attacked Lars, worrying about all the appointments starting again next week...
Etc etc.

Oh my gosh...what I do with myself with all that pressure around.

At the end of the afternoon I took a peek at a place like .. Found a hardcase carrier for my chanter. It was meant for a flute.
I mailed the woman and it turned out it was long enough, but the depth was 4.5 cm and my chanter is...right...5 cm.
Grrr...
The girls were supposed to have a look for a kind of tartan, so I can make a skirt for the Robert Burns night at the 20tiest. They forgot..
I have a long skirt that fits me, but it's in the attick...somewhere...
I'm not going to look for it, as I don't like wearing a black long skirt.
It's a festive scottish event and almost all members wear a kilt.
I've mailed the firm that developed a dutch tartan. Very nice kind of autumn colours. They haven't replied yet. So I guess they start working next week... ***sigh***.


2-1-2007

Happy new year!!!

***thinking aloud***

So we're leaving 2006 in the past, as best as we can.
But ofcourse we have to deal with the left-overs. Like food: some taste better, some worse.

Still so many things to do. Like the assessment forms of Stef. They have to be done terribly well, as the psychiatrist will copy most parts. (grrr).

But there are also things I'm looking forward to.
My own url, finally.
And my bagpipes.

I don't have many resolutions.
Well, I want to loose weight... but as I know I can't handle hunger and a couple of spectrumkids something interesting on that area should happen.

This year the change of years was rather quiet.
Last year I wanted something cosy with the family... this year I had no expectations.
The girls wanted to make a couple of things to eat, the boys did their own things.
When it was almost 24 hours, everyone came to the livingroom and we waited for twelf.
There was no good countdown on TV, so there was just a smooth entrance of the year. Toasting with apple cider glasses.

Between Jim and I there was nothing awkward left, so we have passed that stage too.
Well, that was a missed chance in life... nice drams in the past. I don't even feel melancholy no more.

I doubt if I ever meet someone else, or it should be at the band or at some activity with the band.
Hmm, would be nice to have an arm around my shoulder... but I don't want to live up to expectations of others.
I want to be me, and not someone elses dream.

There's still self acceptance to gain.
The woman I see in the mirror is still a stranger.

I want to be more carefull which battles I want to fight this year.
Can't change the world on my own.

I'll still stand firm with my opinion about getting peace in this world.
Ofcourse I'm aware that my children are dependable of my care, but when that will stop..

I'll also work on more autism awareness in my country.
Problem is that parents are so bussy dealing with daily life, and most other people are so ignorant, that it's a very difficult job.
I've learned a lot thought from people in other countries, so there's quite some knowledge to spread around.
As long as people think they have thought out mayor changes by themselves and have forgotten they've fed those ideas, all will go well. Slow but well.
Not in time for my children I think... but still.

I hope this year will bring some good.
Stef needs to move on in life, he wants that too.
But Lars? He's the one causing the most concern.
Maybe he needs some time in an observation clinic, or needs just other people to care for him, so he realises how good he has it here.
I'm fed up with him making me feel falling short. And I'm fed up with myself feeling depressed about him, feeling amazed he's changing in such a way I never expected.
He lives like life is to blame on us. It's not coming easy for him, but he is equipped. It's just a matter of listening and dealing with what comes up, not looking the other way 'round and expecting problems and schoolwork to go away.
Point is, he's a very nice guy when he feels stable. A very nice guy.

It's time I take care of myself better. I'm above 50, but live daily in stress.
It's strange to say, but I deserve far better.
I've given my bit to life, it's time something came back in return.
I don't mind working for it, but please give me the freedom to do what I do best.

I feel like I can't develop my talents, and it feels like being imprisoned.

For this year I hope I can make some dreams come true.

And my wish for me?
Hmm... that all that has to do with the children will be less time-consuming.
That schools need only once to hear information, that they won't look down on me because my children have a spectrumdisorder.
They've had a good upbringing, as the girls show. But they're not dealing with a handicap.

I wish I would be able to see a friend again I studied with at university. The last time I heard from him he was living in Portland.

I just wish there was someone to lean on... well, as far as it looks now, I have to lean on myself.

happy New year!