My grandmother is the symbol of my feeling at home.
She was kind, caring, compassionate, and she learned me to think in a critical way.
My mother wasn't able to create a cozy feel at home, but gram could.

There was always tea, and at sunday mornings one could smell the growing wealth of good soup on the stove.

It's strange to realise that I don't even know where she put the christmastree.
A vague image of it just beside and a bit in front of the TV opposes the idea that none could watch tv. So I think the tree was in front of the large balconydoor.. but I don't remember.
The image of a christmaslight above the little Jesus is pronounced. And we both always put a little bird in the tree, and wished all the birds a happy christmastime. It was a signal to start feeding the birds. We both loved the whole ritual, including watching them for hours while singing songs that came to our mind.

When I think of christmas I think of all my uncles talking in the room, and my aunts crammed in the kitchen and the hallway. Exchanging everything women exchange.

In the meantime soup and other large quantities of food were prepared.
The children send in the room to ask who wanted tea, or carrying a large bowl with chocolates and cristmasstar cookies.

We always had a laugh when the large coockoo clock reached the hour and the little bird came out to call the hour.
When my nieces and nephews were young they used to gather in front of the clock, waiting for the bird.

Christmas always was special.

We arrived after the christmascelebration at church.
My father was the only one wanting coffee, and we smelled it when the door opened.
The whole feel was in line with the warmth we had encountered at the schoolchurch.

Gram loved candles, and when we sat down with candles burning everywhere, she asked how it all went: singing, playing the organ, reading.
I was very active at school (when my shy years were mainly passed) and I loved to help out wherever possible.

My uncle, who was asthmatic, lived still at home, but at those hours he was still in his room, and gram, dad and I were a triangle and we created the warm and loving feeling of the day.

During the day people arrived and merged.
Some came with a lot of noise, others suddenly were present.
Some disappeared for some time to go to church, or to visit other family members.
But near dinnertime all were present.

The rich feeling of home stayed with me, when dad and I went home and found our way bycicling through the wood seen by the tall ageold trees.
Often we didn't say a word. We didn't feel the need.
All was in balance, all was well.

Often I think back... no, feel back, and have an intense feel of longing.
I was a child and thought that this feeling of peace and warmth was something people were able to create always.
It filled my whole being, and I was able to protect me from the cold feeling at my own home.

I still feel the wealth my gram gave and I would love to share it with others.

We used to have a day at christmas receiving all our friends, but when the children grew older and their autistic features became more present, we stopped.
A friend took over the tradition and we attended once.
I had a child that couldn't cope with all the people around him... so we went.

Stepping out of a time that was so nourishing... stepping out of the mirror...