Valentine's Day makes me look back on my "lovelife".

Some people think I've had a great life full of love en excitement because I have children.
Well, as long as they're not jealous they're allowed to think what they want to think.

Now I'm 50 I can say bluntly that my love life has been a total disaster.

I fell in love with a guy at high school.
He went to study in another town, emerged himself in the student society, where there was no place for girlfriends and weddingpromises.

Later I met Jim. We married and I guess he forgot to take all his romantic feelings into the wedding.
We shared some goals, and I considered marriage a holy vow and oath, so I kept loyal and we started a family.
And as we wanted a large one, we went for it.
So it was all about getting children. Not about me.

He changed over the years and his autistic characteristics became more prominent.

After I got pregnant for the last time, lovelife became a non-excistent part of my life.
And now the girls are ten, we have gone through the emotional process and consider ourselves divorced.
And I do feel myself a free woman.

Some of the children turned out to have inherited his traits, so now I can hardly leave the house.
I took the step to start bagpipe lessons on saturdaymornings though. For the music, but also because I need to deal with people in a relaxed way.
There are about 4 other women and loads of married man with hairy legs under their kilts, almost all married and of my age.
So nothing to dream about. LOL!

I don't think I'll ever meet a prince on a white horse, and if I ever will I expect to shy away.
I don't feel attractive anymore, and I feel even less experienced then when I was 16.

So I'm not actively looking for someone.

I would love to have an arm on my shoulder though. Someone with me who really cares, with whom I can share my feelings, and who sees when I need a hug.


The last years my mind is dwelling quite a lot on a friend who has moved to america.
He left many years ago, and he might even have forgotten me.
Sometimes I ask myself what would happen if we would meet again.
He was a good friend, and seeing him again is one of my wishes.
But it has nothing to do with Valentine's Day, just with a memory of the good old times.